Mondays are the worst day of the week.
My weekends have a sort of normalcy to them, although I use that term loosely.
I am safe because people are home and around me. Of course, that is logically a falsity. It does not guarantee my safety, it just gives me comfort and security knowing someone is with me.
Someone is there to call an ambulance if my panic turns out to be more than just panic; if my racing heart is more than just sinus tachycardia; if my stomach ache is more than just a stomach ache; if my dizziness actually makes me pass out (even though that has never happened).
Monday is when my husband returns to the office, my children go to school, my friends and support network resume work responsibilities.
And I am left here alone.
Alone with my thoughts.
Alone with my what-ifs.
Alone with my catastrophic thinking.
Alone with my insecurities.
Alone with my panic.
Mind you, Mondays don’t always start off bad. Today, did start off bad, but then it got a bit better, but then it got really bad.
I woke up around five o’clock this morning from a terrifying nightmare. Pulled myself together and went back to sleep.
I woke up again around eight o’clock and relaxed in my comfy bed thinking about what I might try to do today; so full of intention. Perhaps I would try driving around the neighbourhood, secure in the knowledge that I am close to home if I need to feel safe (driving alone is currently a struggle for me). Maybe I will go to the local shop to pick up the items my daughter needs for her upcoming dance competition (false eyelashes, hair nets, make up).
Just as I was starting to think this might be a good day, BAM! A rush of heat came over me, my heart started racing and I was so dizzy I was sure I was going to pass out. It continued, as it always does. Wave after wave after wave of nausea, dizziness, searing heat, racing heart, anxious thoughts…something catastrophic was about to happen…sheer panic was gripping my every fibre.
Well, there went my plans for a good day.
I am alone with all of these physical sensations that logically, I know can sometimes be normal but unfortunately, I am not currently ruled by logical thought.
I am ruled by illogical, irrational, catastrophic, terrifying thought.
So here I sit.
Scared and anxious. Beyond anxious. I am in sheer panic.
In my attempt to distract myself, I am typing away and trying to hold myself together. What I really want to do is curl up into my bed and close my eyes; shut out the world and just have a good cry.
That five second tool…yah, it’s not working all that well right now.
Mondays, *%#@’g Mondays.
© The Flip of the Switch, January 2016.