An Afterthought

Wedding Rings

His perception of my needs is grossly erroneous.  Representative of his continued refusal to listen and absorb my words; accept my longing for connection, for emotional depth. We have talked this to the brinks of insanity. I need you.  Your love, your arms wrapped around me, your refuge.  Your confidence, your strength. I need you to look into my eyes and see the depths of my soul.  Provide compassion, without judgement. Love, without obligation. Friendship, without insult. But sadly, I digress.  For this is not our reality.  Our relationship has been reduced to emotional instability, heart wrenching exchanges and magnificent disappointments.  I am ashamed of what our marriage, our friendship, has become.  You and I, we speak different languages.  I am telling you what I need, what I want, but you are not listening. You are absorbed, so deeply, in your own desires that you cannot accurately perceive mine.  Driven by power, money and success, it is illogical to you that I want loving kindness.  Your life dictated by time, clients and checklists, it is irrational to you that I want passion. One must share your worldview to carry legitimacy.  Thus, I am not a priority and our marriage is but an afterthought.

© The Flip of the Switch, February 2016.

22 thoughts on “An Afterthought”

  4. If you communicate and there’s only a wall to hear it, what’s the point. And, yet conversely… Is that all he really is about or is that all you’re hearing because he is refusing to listen to you? Is he concerned about those things and feels driven to focus on them because that’s the way he can support you in your aims to only worry about the internal world of feelings?

    Is he concerned about money because he supports both of you?

    Finances are a huge part of my life because I have no money. And that stresses me out. If he is handling that side of things, maybe he can’t see romance and passion or understand your drive for those things because he is busy worrying about the base levels of hierarchy of needs- food, shelter, continued standard of living. He can’t concentrate or be open to snuggles when he’s worried about providing? (Even if in reality you guys are solvent, if you’re not ‘rich’ is that where his mind goes?)

    This is beautifully written. This is just my introspection not criticism, I’m curious about your situation. Is he being cruel or is this where his personal anxiety lies? That kind of thing

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    1. Interesting questions! Of course, this is entirely my very one sided view of things. He is the primary breadwinner (because he wants to be). Yes, I need more than a slab of bread at the end of the day (…and our mortgage paid and gas in my car…etc…). I know that sounds horribly bitchy but I’m just telling it like it is. Of course, I greatly appreciate that he is in a high stress career working ungodly hours. Yes, I understand the pressure upon him as the primary breadwinner. But still. Is there not more to life than what money can buy? What about feeding one’s soul?

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      1. I don’t think you sound ‘horribly bitchy’ at all. You sound like a woman who needs her husband to love her the way she needs, simply that. I hope he comes around. My mother would say that your husband is probably frightened of the situation and the future, and is burying himself in so much work that he has no possible time to worry with and about you. My mother doesn’t half talk crap sometimes. I know how you;re feeling. x.

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      5. I absolutely think there is. You’re super right. And yes, we all need more than a slab of bread.

        But whenever I get in a funk about how someone isn’t understanding me, I pivot, to think about what their counter argument will be. It’s not empathy, it’s me planning ahead. But it has the same result. (Or sometimes leads to empathy).

        I need affection. I need nourishment in the relationship. But… If He is worrying or thinking in those terms, I should understand why. Do you know what he makes. Do you know where it goes. How much debt you have, or what he’s doing about it. His mettle is all about providing, so learn and provide encouragement And nourishing appreciation for that. Fine, it’s stroking the ego, but it’s more than that. If that’s where he thinks his value as a partner lays, you can’t change that button in him. Just like you needed to understand your dog options. You can assure him, that he’s doing a good job. Maybe he doesn’t hear that from you. Even if it’s said, he’s not seeing it? Kindof like how he has learned you don’t like eggshell walking so he lets you do your thing… It would be nice and validating if he didn’t just step back and let it happen, if he said- thanks. This is valuable info. I know that this means you care about our choice. And that we will make the right decision when it’s time… That would be great to hear. I guess yes, like everyone else, it’s communication but i think it’s more than ‘just talk it over’ it’s…. What does the other person need to hear or need to see to know their contributions are of value. Which goes deeper than just saying stuff. It’s about actively responding. And you seem attuned to this understanding more so than him, so you may have to take the first step.

        But what do I know. Apparently you have to expressly state you don’t want your husband to fuck strangers. So please, this is all jubberish…. Hahahah

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      6. I thought I was getting a free therapy session…which is amazing because what you are saying makes a lot of sense! It’s all about perspective I guess…not just mine, but his as well. My wants and his wants. My needs and his needs. And then our needs as a couple. But, then I got to the end and I burst out laughing! Yes, it is a bit bizarre that has to spelled out! Bwa!

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      1. Hella to the no. My blog tells my story. Head over and read if you’re interested in learning all about how my perfect marriage is actually a marvellous sham.

        I may sound like I know what I’m doing but apparently I am partnered with someone who wants a totally different thing and I’m nothing but a sponge to live off of.

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