1980

Mystic Keyhole

1980.  That was the year of change. That is when you left.  Too self absorbed to fathom the chaotic impact you had on me.  Too taken aback by lust to understand that you had stolen my heart and damaged it beyond repair.  At the time, I was blind to the repercussions your actions would have on my life.  I was naive to think that you would ever be able to put me first, love me as a father should.  As a little girl, control was not something I possessed and my childish thoughts and dreams were in fact, unattainable fantasies.  As I recall my early childhood, I am reminded of what once was.  But I know now, it was all an illusion.  A child learns to repress the negative at an early age, to foster resiliency; emotional survival.  But alas, my attempts at regression have failed. My reality has caught up with me, my childhood illusions have become unravelled.  As I look through the keyhole to my soul, I know that you changed me, your actions caused irreparable damage to my heart and to my mind. Damage that has poisoned my adult life.  Here I sit, reminiscent of all the decisions you made; all of your poor choices.  The ripple effect is unparalleled, you hurt so many people, impacted the destiny of so many lives.  All consciously. You had choices to make and you consistently chose wrong.  You looked into my eyes and lied; filled me with hope and dreams and quashed them like no other. How do I come to peace with that?  As a grown woman, I am angry and furiously disappointed. I must however, realize those were not my choices and I had no control over you.  I must let go of my resentment so that I can thrive and live a happier life.  I am taking control now and I refuse to be dictated by my childhood fears and disenchanted dreams. For while you were once everything, now you are nothing.

© The Flip of the Switch, February 2016.

 

21 thoughts on “1980”

  1. I am sorry for the pain & loss you are feeling. As a child of an alcoholic, I have experienced disappointment & sadness in someone I love. I don’t know the circumstances with your Dad but I hope that you are able to find some peace in your heart & in doing so, feel lighter & happier.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. So heartfelt and poignant. Let it all go if you can, as painful as it is you can move forward and create a stronger future than you ever thought imaginable. This is your life and you deserve to be happy. Always remember that. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You are strong to even look internally and realize this and come to terms with it. Stronger for sharing it with us. But strongest to refuse letting it get in your way anymore. I look up to you and I hope you let your strength and courage overcome these obstacles and memories ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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