Mondays are the worst day of the week.
My weekends have a sort of normalcy to them, although I use that term loosely.
I am safe because people are home and around me. Of course, that is logically a falsity. It does not guarantee my safety, it just gives me comfort and security knowing someone is with me.
Someone is there to call an ambulance if my panic turns out to be more than just panic; if my racing heart is more than just sinus tachycardia; if my stomach ache is more than just a stomach ache; if my dizziness actually makes me pass out (even though that has never happened).
Monday is when my husband returns to the office, my children go to school, my friends and support network resume work responsibilities.
And I am left here alone.
Alone with my thoughts.
Alone with my what-ifs.
Alone with my catastrophic thinking.
Alone with my insecurities.
Alone with my panic.
Mind you, Mondays don’t always start off bad. Today, did start off bad, but then it got a bit better, but then it got really bad.
I woke up around five o’clock this morning from a terrifying nightmare. Pulled myself together and went back to sleep.
I woke up again around eight o’clock and relaxed in my comfy bed thinking about what I might try to do today; so full of intention. Perhaps I would try driving around the neighbourhood, secure in the knowledge that I am close to home if I need to feel safe (driving alone is currently a struggle for me). Maybe I will go to the local shop to pick up the items my daughter needs for her upcoming dance competition (false eyelashes, hair nets, make up).
Wishful thinking.
Just as I was starting to think this might be a good day, BAM! A rush of heat came over me, my heart started racing and I was so dizzy I was sure I was going to pass out. It continued, as it always does. Wave after wave after wave of nausea, dizziness, searing heat, racing heart, anxious thoughts…something catastrophic was about to happen…sheer panic was gripping my every fibre.
Well, there went my plans for a good day.
Sigh…
I am alone with all of these physical sensations that logically, I know can sometimes be normal but unfortunately, I am not currently ruled by logical thought.
I am ruled by illogical, irrational, catastrophic, terrifying thought.
So here I sit.
Scared and anxious. Beyond anxious. I am in sheer panic.
In my attempt to distract myself, I am typing away and trying to hold myself together. What I really want to do is curl up into my bed and close my eyes; shut out the world and just have a good cry.
That five second tool…yah, it’s not working all that well right now.
Mondays, *%#@’g Mondays.
© The Flip of the Switch, January 2016.
The Flip of the Switch 
I remember sitting at a funeral a number of years ago, listening to a friend give a eulogy for her grandmother. My friend has faced many challenges in her lifetime & recalled how her grandmother had been such a positive influence in her life, always provided respite & a safe place. In her most stressful & darkest moments, the simple utterance of 4 little words from her grandmother helped her to keep moving forward. The words she spoke of are “it will be okay”, often delivered with a hug. Her words & her grandmothers have always stayed with me. Today, I pass them to you in the hopes that they will somehow help you get through this difficult Monday. Sending you a cyber hug, “it will be okay”.
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You are too kind Lynn. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. You cannot possibly imagine how much I appreciate it. xo
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Hi, so sorry to hear about your Monday. It is said that the storm always passes, and it does. We all know that, but in the thick of it, it can seem forever. It’s hard to control our inner voice, which is often not helpful in these moments, so I used to create concrete thoughts to read while these panic attacks came over me. I used to also print out pictures, my favourite places and look at them and try hard to imagine I am there, rather than caught up in this storm. Every little thing can help, you just need to find what helps you, and only you can know what will be most powerful. I hope you find your peace and calm in the storm.
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Thank you Laura. I love the visual idea of looking at pictures and transporting oneself there. I will definitely try it! Thank you so much for sharing your ideas with me and for your kind words.
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I don’t really know you, but I am still compelled to send many hugs.
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Sometimes, there is no better therapy than to curl up in bed and have a good cry. I find it often takes the strong emotions out of whatever the issue is and makes me more reasonable and able to look at things more objectively. So I say if that’s what you feel like doing then you definitely should!
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Oh. My. God. You just described my every Monday. I’m sorry we share something so awful in common but I’m glad I found you. Thanks for sharing your struggle.
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I’m sorry too! It’s always comforting to know there are others out there who may be walking a similar path…although it breaks my heart to think that others are struggling. But if we can walk this path together, maybe we can help one another. Thank you for reaching out. Wishing you strength, love and peaceful thoughts. xo
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😦 aoh dear. That is most sucky indeed. Isn’t it interesting that anxiety confuses safety with comfort, as you said, when logic knows the difference?
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Yes, indeed. Oh anxiety…such a pain!
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