Where were you?
Ah yes, selfishly tucked away somewhere trying to bury the guilt wrestling your soul. Too dependent to leave, not strong enough to stay.
The ultimate battle.
It wasn’t that I asked for help, it wasn’t that I told you I needed you. That would have been a different story. In fact, it was you that announced you were coming to help me, wanted to be here for me, support me, love me. It was you who made phone calls to ensure people knew you were compassionate, caring and ready to take action.
All to save your own face.
The guilt wasn’t that you weren’t here to help me. The guilt was that you were worried people were judging you, questioning your decisions, your loyalty.
The reality, of course, is that you should have been here.
You should have been the one to lead me through the darkness, help me redefine myself and help me to function within the confines of anxiety and panic.
Yes, it should have been you.
But it wasn’t.
It was a select few of my dearest friends and family who guided me through this storm, wiped my tears and gave me the strength to persevere. It was this small group of warriors who came together to check on me every day, offer their time and calm me in a panic.
Someone was here, but it wasn’t you.
Each day that passes, my mindset improves, my confidence grows.
I should have known you wouldn’t be here. I suppose that’s why I didn’t ask.
Your actions were driven by your need to look good to others; so terribly selfish and yet, not surprising.
Your insecurity is difficult to hide, dependency unparalleled.
As I write this, I can’t help but think what will happen if you read it.
It suddenly occurs to me that I don’t care.
I can sleep at night with the choices I have made.
Can you?
© The Flip of the Switch, February 2016.
The Flip of the Switch 
I wish we didn’t do things to look good in someone’s eyes… or for approval and appreciation… to please people… this starts early on in life if not taught otherwise… it’s so important to do things for the right reasons or not do them at all… Thank you for sharing, for this post 🙂 ❤
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Thank you for stopping by. Yes, I agree, it would be nice.
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Oh my God. I’ve just read this, and can’t help seeing my situation in your words. I can only imagine who this ‘person’ is from reading your previous posts. I am so sorry that this is happening, really happening, to you, but I do want to point out a big positive I hope you will focus on more – you have a few special friends and family. Cherish them.
I don’t have this support, and my ‘person’ doesn’t even try to save face in front of others. They are quite happy to be badly judged.
Life goes on. Continue being strong. Judith.x.
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Oh Judith, sorry to hear this. You may not have a support system there with you, but you have me and a whole community here who care. I have found this blog and all of my blog friends to be so supportive and inspiring. It has truly changed my life for the better. Thinking of you and sending you strength. xo
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Aww thank you, it really means a lot. I think the community is the main reason I keep ‘blogging’ to be honest hahaha! Hope you’ll be feeling better soon. x.
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