1980

1980.  That was the year of change. That is when you left.  Too self absorbed to fathom the chaotic impact you had on me.  Too taken aback by lust to understand that you had stolen my heart and damaged it beyond repair.  At the time, I was blind to the repercussions your actions would have on my life.  I was naive to think that you would ever be able to put me first, love me as a father should.  As a little girl, control was not something I possessed and my childish thoughts and dreams were in fact, unattainable fantasies.  As I recall my early childhood, I am reminded of what once was.  But I know now, it was all an illusion.  A child learns to repress the negative at an early age, to foster resiliency; emotional survival.  But alas, my attempts at regression have failed. My reality has caught up with me, my childhood illusions have become unravelled.  As I look through the keyhole to my soul, I know that you changed me, your actions caused irreparable damage to my heart and to my mind. Damage that has poisoned my adult life.  Here I sit, reminiscent of all the decisions you made; all of your poor choices.  The ripple effect is unparalleled, you hurt so many people, impacted the destiny of so many lives.  All consciously. You had choices to make and you consistently chose wrong.  You looked into my eyes and lied; filled me with hope and dreams and quashed them like no other. How do I come to peace with that?  As a grown woman, I am angry and furiously disappointed. I must however, realize those were not my choices and I had no control over you.  I must let go of my resentment so that I can thrive and live a happier life.  I am taking control now and I refuse to be dictated by my childhood fears and disenchanted dreams. For while you were once everything, now you are nothing.

© The Flip of the Switch, February 2016.

 

An Afterthought

His perception of my needs is grossly erroneous.  Representative of his continued refusal to listen and absorb my words; accept my longing for connection, for emotional depth. We have talked this to the brinks of insanity. I need you.  Your love, your arms wrapped around me, your refuge.  Your confidence, your strength. I need you to look into my eyes and see the depths of my soul.  Provide compassion, without judgement. Love, without obligation. Friendship, without insult. But sadly, I digress.  For this is not our reality.  Our relationship has been reduced to emotional instability, heart wrenching exchanges and magnificent disappointments.  I am ashamed of what our marriage, our friendship, has become.  You and I, we speak different languages.  I am telling you what I need, what I want, but you are not listening. You are absorbed, so deeply, in your own desires that you cannot accurately perceive mine.  Driven by power, money and success, it is illogical to you that I want loving kindness.  Your life dictated by time, clients and checklists, it is irrational to you that I want passion. One must share your worldview to carry legitimacy.  Thus, I am not a priority and our marriage is but an afterthought.

© The Flip of the Switch, February 2016.

Crossroads

Listen.
To my voice.
To my pain.

Look me in the eye.
Glimpse upon my soul.
The struggle is irrefutable.

How can you dismiss it?

How can you blame me for the circumstances?

I don’t know how or why, but you do.
You said it; you put the blame on me without blinking an eye.
It was easy for you.  Too easy.

Perhaps it is your own insecurity bubbling to the surface or your inability to show compassion and loving kindness. Perhaps this scares you, because you do not know how to respond, how to show emotion, how to be supportive, how to be or feel anything.

When did you lose your feelings, the kismet, the love for me; for us?
When did your career become more important than family; marriage?

Why does everything have to be about you?
About your needs, your wants and your time?
What’s the plan, what’s the plan, you shout from the rooftops.

I am an inconvenience, a curveball that has been thrown into your rhythmic life.
Our marriage is an annoyance and frustration that no longer aligns with your interests. It cannot compete with your yearning for financial success and your drive to get to the top of the corporate ladder.

Competing interests, and I am losing; our marriage is losing.

We are standing at a crossroad, you and I.

It is time to make some decisions.  It is time to take responsibility.  It is time to admit our shortcomings, accept our roles in getting to this point and decide whether we are in this together.  We can be a united team or a defeated statistic.

Which path are you going to take?

 

© The Flip of the Switch, January 2016.